I believe the first words out of my mouth after giving birth to our son was, “We did it”. I felt in my bones that my husband was the anchor I needed to keep my mind and body above water, when the going got really tough. I couldn’t have made the baby without him, and I don’t think I would have accomplished my goal of unmedicated vaginal birth without him either.
1. You are the Gate Keeper
You are what stands between her birth sanctuary, and the rest of the world. Throughout the pregnancy, and definitely in birth, you might feel powerless. You cannot push for her, you can not breath for her.. but you can stand guard and witness her mind-blowing strength… You can help protect her from her own doubts, and the pressures from strangers in the room.
Depending on the stage of labor, your partner won’t be able to speak. Advocate for her. Know her plan, her expectations, her desires in advance, and voice them to the rest of the birth team when need be. (Example: If she doesn’t want to be strapped to a monitor the whole time, and the nurses start to put one on her, kindly tell them that she prefers intermittent monitoring. Or if she wants to be continually monitored, ask for a wireless option so she can walk around freely, take a shower, etc..)
Often hospitals are in autopilot and assume that it is business as usual. And it is easy to feel overwhelmed and like a fish out of water when you are about to have a baby and in an unfamiliar environment, like a hospital.
2. Read the Room
There will be a time for jokes, when comic relief can be like medicine, and other times, even a sensual loving touch will piss her the hell off. So, read the room! :)
You often wont get an answer from her, or even know what to say while she goes through different waves of intensity, emotion, energy, and fatigue.
Watch her breathing.
Ask her, “What is your body telling you?”.
It is hard work, but stay in the moment! I have seen partners or other members of the birth team completely out of sync from the birthing mama. Gossip between nurses, giggles, or leaving her alone as another surge is coming. (My delivery nurse was really upset about Starbucks being closed.)
3. Holding Space
“Holding Space” can kinda sound woo-woo. Like what does that even mean?
Imagine you are in a challenging situation— a really important pitch, or job interview, a boxing fight, or even a tough workout that you feel like you are about to quit any moment. Imagine any situation where you have felt a little scared, and uncertain about the outcome. … Now imagine standing behind you is a person who doubts you, or a person who is fearful for you. Even if that fear is coming from a place of love.
Now imagine there is a person standing behind you who feels like you fucking got this!!!!! They are calm and happy, their confidence in you is unshakeable.
That is what “holding space” means. Your energy, what you feel in your core, will have an effect on anyone in the room. So do what you have to do, so that you are prepared to be that rock.
4. Prepare
Don’t expect one birth class to be enough (that goes for mama too), and don’t expect the hospital staff to tell you what to do. Here is a quick list of things you should be familiar with, before your lady goes into labor.
Pros and cons of Cytotec and Pitocin.
Ways you can help your partner naturally produce Oxytocin. (Nipple stimulation, massage, running a warm bath.) Oxytocin is the key hormone that will cause labor, and keep labor going strong. Pitocin is synthetic oxytocin.
Breathing techniques.
Stages of labor, and why she might need space at some points, and full hands on support during others.
Positions of labor and how you can physically support them and provide counter pressure to ease pain during contractions.
Delayed cord clamping.
How your partner feels about epidural, and if they would want you to just listen to them when they ask for it, or if they would like you to encourage them that they can go without it.
Are there any health concerns that would lead the care provider to feel there this pregnancy is a “high risk”.
Asses your own comfort level and tolerance for stress, blood, asking questions, or even politely challenging medical professionals (respectfully).
5. Pack Your Own Hospital Bag
(Unless you are having a home birth, and then in that case, just make sure the pantry is stocked with all the goodies.)
Be sure your lady has some healthy snacks for labor, but I am sure she is on top of that. But also make sure you have plenty of snacks for yourself. A bathing suit for yourself if she plans on laboring in the tubs or shower. A cozy hoodie for sleeping in, because hospital blankets are about as warm as a paper napkin… and so on.
What an Honor it is to Have You Here
Historically birth was no place for men, even the father of the child. My guess is you would be kept outside the home, and in charge of fetching more firewood. Birth was women’s work. But relationships and systems have changed, and I think it is beautiful the father is a key part of the experience. To watch your pregnant lover, bring a new life earth-side. To see their first breath, hear their first cry, and whisper a few sweet words into their tiny ears.
Birth is beautiful, so glad to have you here Dada.
